Fairness

My nursing career began in the Emergency Department at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. For those unfamiliar with this environment, it is known for its medically complex cases and high patient volumes. Stressful? Absolutely. 

Now, let us relate this to parenting. In the Emergency Department, we are trained to triage—quickly assessing patients and making decisions about who needs immediate care. Intense? Yes. 

Here is the reality: Parents perform a similar triage every day. 

From the moment a child enters the family, parents instinctively prioritize: Who needs me first? How do I allocate my time and resources? Every decision is guided by an innate desire to be “fair.” Yet, these decisions often bring doubt—followed closely by guilt. Doubt, whether conscious or subconscious, takes root and whispers: How will this affect my child? 

Worse still, our children’s behaviors often reinforce our fears. When something unfolds exactly as we dreaded, we think—I knew this would happen. For once, we wish we had been wrong—What could I have done differently? 

The Pursuit of Fairness 

One common theme I see among parents is their deep desire to be “fair.” Before we explore this further, take a moment to define fairness for yourself. 

What does fair mean to you? 

Imagine a world where perfect fairness exists among your children. What does that look like? 

Parents often attempt to measure fairness using systems—dividing finances evenly, allotting equal time for activities, or meticulously tracking household responsibilities. At the end of the day, do we truly achieve fairness? 

More importantly, what would your children say? 

You may already know their answer. Chances are it is skewed by their perspective, but fairness is not a solitary concept—it exists in relationships. So, perhaps the best approach is to have an open discussion with your children. Once emotions have settled and the tension has eased, you may be surprised by what they have to say. This conversation is an opportunity—to listen, to learn, and to teach. Fairness may actually be based on perspective rather than an objective standard. It cannot be measured. With that being said, how does our definition of fairness contribute to our emotional burdens? 

The Emotional Weight of Parenting 

“An open mind, compassionate curiosity toward the child, letting go of the idea that one ‘knows’ what the child thinks and feels and a striving to accept the child unconditionally will go a long way toward binding wounds inflicted by past mistakes, misjudgments and the parent’s own emotional blockages” — Gabor Maté 

At first glance, this feels reassuring. Yet, it carries a certain heaviness. Maybe you do not fully believe it. Maybe lingering guilt or past experiences make it difficult to accept. 

Let us explore this further. Lean into that discomfort. Reflect on how you divide time, energy, and love among your children. Your subconscious may take you to an unsettling place—a place of doubt, where guilt thrives in the darkness. Yet, somewhere in the distance, there is a dim light. 

What is it? 

Move toward it. 

It is the realization that each child experiences their family role in a unique way, shaped by their relationships and individual strengths. Explore what your child’s behavior is telling you. Determine if there is an internal conflict, or tension arising from opposing needs.   

Ask yourself: 

• How does their definition of fairness align with my own? 

• How big is the gap between our perspectives? 

• Is there a recurring theme in their concerns—or in my own? 

The Hidden Layers of Fairness 

These reflections bring us to a deeper question: What are we really seeking when we strive for fairness? Fairness can be defined as:  

“Impartial and just treatment or behavior without favoritism or discrimination.” 

As a society, we rely on this definition. As parents, we add another layer of expectation—one that makes fairness nearly impossible to achieve. Our idea of fairness goes beyond equal treatment—it is about maintaining balance in a dynamic, ever-changing environment.  

What if I told you that, despite our best efforts, the perspective of fairness will always be influenced by our relationships with our children? Like all relationships, they are shaped by unspoken preferences, personality traits, and emotional connections. 

What if I told you that this is completely normal? 

Conflict arises when we do not allow ourselves to acknowledge the natural pull we feel toward certain traits or qualities in each of our children. Acknowledging these innate tendencies is not the same as acting on favoritism. The real issue arises when we deny or suppress these feelings. 

 So where do we go from here? 

Rather than chasing an unattainable version of fairness, we can shift our focus toward a more sustainable goal—fostering connection and trust. Let us practice: 

• Compassion: Be compassionate with ourselves. Relationships are dynamic in nature. It is too burdensome to think of them as stagnant or irreversible. Let us use this to our advantage, and not dwell on past mistakes. 

• Radical Acceptance: Recognize that we are human. We cannot control every emotional response, but we can control our actions. 

• Reflection: Identify what we admire most about each child. Just like in friendships, we naturally connect with different people in different ways. 

• Openness: Allow space for honest conversations with our children about their needs and perceptions of fairness. 

Fairness is not about rigid equality—it is about attunement. And when we embrace this, we can shift from seeking fairness to building connection.